No thanks, Church

Well, I'm in an odd place. I didn't think I'd ever be here, but I can honestly say I fit in the category of "I like Jesus but not the Church"

I always understood why people disliked Christians as a whole. Or the Church. There have been lots of sins committed in Christ's name. There are still lots of sins committed in His name.

But I only thought I understood people's hesitancy to try church, even my church that was so welcoming and REAL.

Now I think I get it...at least in one aspect.

I'm what some may call a dirty Christian. I don't know if that's an actual term, but...it's how I feel. If you know me, you know my past. It was rather squeaky clean until I was 26...and that "dirty past" I have is one I believe is completely OKAY in Christ's eyes. I feel no guilt (though I've felt the shame from the Church VERY strongly), and I daresay He defends me.

I made mistakes, but I made them innocently.

But I ran into a pastor...who was my pastor, briefly, as he started out in his church...and his wife, someone I worked with every now and then as a substitute teacher. I saw them in 2010 at a store. They avoided me (I pretended not to notice) and I heard them laughing as they escaped down a nearby aisle. It angered me. I saw them in the check-out lanes, and I think the pastor knew that I had understood what happened.

Almost five years later, I spotted them again, in a different store. Instead of running in the opposite direction, I continued on in the path I was going...which brought me right to them. Polite smiles and "Hi." That's it.

This is a couple who used to be the head of a church I attended? And gave money to?  These are people whose small group I attended and tried to connect with?

They know my past. They know it well, probably because my ex told them.

And who did I run into in that store after that chilly encounter?  A gay acquaintance of mine. Someone I worked with years ago...but I don't think I ever had a real conversation with him. Just "Hi." and such since we didn't work in the same department.

What was his reaction to seeing me?  Friendly greetings, a warm hug, and 20 minutes of conversation.

Oh and he knows my past too because I'm good friends with some people he works with...word travels (and I don't mind).

What the hell, Church? Here's someone who is unchurched...could be an atheist for all I know...and he's treating me with more dignity and love than a PASTOR?  (for the record, I do not automatically assume people who are gay are less moral or even non-Christians. But if the Church is truly following Christ, no one--NO ONE--should be more loving than Christians.)


So I hesitate to go back to church. Yes. It's been 1.5 years since I was in a church, and though I miss the community, I am so sickened by knowing I'm a tainted Christian. (My other issue is trust, since my ex completely obliterated any trust I have in a man who speaks Christianese with authority) (I know it's wrong to judge people based on one man...but the amount of people he fooled blows my mind. And if he can do it, I'm sure others can do it. And DO do it.)

I don't know how I'd ever trust that people would accept me with my past. The only shame I legitimately battle (that is, the only shame I can't brush off and call B.S.) is the shame I put on myself for believing a guy was who he said he was. That's another story, which I addressed that in my "Screw It" post.

So. This is where I am. I love Jesus. I love the Bible. I read (listen to) it daily. I pray. I converse with Him all day. I thank Him for all that is good in my life, and I thank Him for all that is difficult. He is truly my best friend, and I absolutely adore Him. I just do not know what to do with this Church matter. I guess for now I will simply chew on it (praying, thinking, writing)